Stigma

Probably the most difficult part for me now is not the schizophrenia itself (which is controlled by the meds), but the stigma the illness carries with it, combined maybe with a sense of paranoia (maybe I see stigma where there is no stigma).

I tend to be open and honest when people ask me questions which are (indirectly) related to my mental health, such as: "How come you're not employed using your degree? How come you still live with your parents?  Why are you allways tired?..."  I often find myself revealing the fact that I suffer from a psychotic illness.  Usually people ask me... what is psychosis?... I tell them it's a combination of hallucinations and delusions, which are now under control by medication.  They ask me what kind of delusions did you suffer from?... I tell them, all kinds of thoughts that aren't real such as, being chased by the mafia, thinking I was a special agent (spy), thinking the house was bugged,...  At times people react supportive.  But at other times they are just shocked by it.  I don't use the word schizophrenia when i explain my symptoms, cause it's too heavily drenched in the stigma (as is the word psychosis, which I do use).

Family have compared me to serial killers when they talked about psychosis (while i was never violent), most of my environment is in denial about my mental health problems, they say I should try harder to snap out of it.

I understand some people don't feel the need to talk about their health problems, but I do.  Some cancer patients for instance don't feel the need to talk about it, but others do.  The downside of schizophrenia is that it is not often talked about, and when people do talk about it, the conversations are usually filled with predjudice and misinformation.  It's hard having to explain your illness to other people in a way that they don't find you a freak.  Why is it so hard to understand that the brain can be ill, just as wel as any other part of the body?  Why are mentally ill people often looked upon as violent?

I know it's very hard to change these perceptions.  But in my daily life I give it a try, allthough it might end up in me loosing some friends / a job / ...  So far... i haven't lost too much luckily.

First video

Hi,

My first video is online:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GwewPzULtkU

Take care

Schizophrenia, feeling low

Hi there, this is a second post about schizophrenia and feeling low...

I have many existential questions.  Who am I really? what do I like/enjoy doing? What is the future going to hold?  Are my goals achievable? Do I have to set new goals? Do I work hard enough?  ...  Should I be content with how things are now?...  I guess the answer to that last question is yes.  I get feelings of underachieving and paranoia (or at least thoughts) of people judging me.  

All these negative feelings and questions contribute to my emotional state of mind.  I guess in general I should be happy with how things are now, and embrace the good moments.  However I find myself being stuck in life... i used to achieve things more easily and fast.  The standard was set higher allways higher, perhaps so high it led to my breakdown, i'm not sure.  Now I should find a healthy balance between what is currently achievable and desireable.

What is achievable is found by a trial and error approach...  In trying to keep the disappointment of errors to a minimum. What is achievable is defined by what I am currently doing and by adding small steps forward.  What is desireable, I like to believe, for me is the easy part.  I tell myself that I am happy with how things are now, but... I take into account other peoples desires (for example my parents), who aren't happy with the status quo.  So basically this means I am happy with working in the laundry... a small step forward for me would be to work a little less and start seeing my psychologist again.  But working less is seen as a setback by my family and friends.  It's also a financial setback.

Living with schizophrenia is living with a disability, and in my case, a disability that is not spoken about.  At work or at home or with friends...  I need to be strong.  Therapy has definately a place in my life, I just need to convince my parents.

New to this

Hi everyone,

This is my first blog.  I'll be blogging about things that are on my mind.

I suffer from mental illness.  I've been given the diagnosis of schizophrenia in 2010, but problems arose earlier in my life.  The diagnosis to me was the starting point of my recovery.  Allthough these days the positive symptoms of schizophrenia (delusions, hallucinations and thought disorder) are more or less under control, i still have to take medication (abilify = antipsychotic and sipralexa = antidepressant).

The reason why i'm making this blog is mainly because there is so much misunderstanding surrounding schizophrenia.  Unlike popular belief, people who suffer from this illness (about 1 percent of the population), are not violent and don't have multiple personalities.  Schizophrenia however is often characterized as a split from reality.  An imbalance in the brain that leads to hallucinations and delusions when untreated for me, aswell as other symptoms.  Also i believe that writing is therapeutical to me.

I've currently chosen to stay anonymous.  This might change in the future, when i feel more comfortable. Anonimity at this stage allows me to state the things that are on my mind, without being inhibited by paranoia.

Currently i'm working in a laundry as a factory hand, because my condition doesn't permit me to work as a biochemist/biotechnologist anymore.  I have a bad concentration span these days, social anxiety (characterized by a poverty of speech, called alogia) and the antipsychotic meds are messing with my fine motor skills.  According to the doctors my condition has been present from the time i was asked to stop my PhD in 2006.

I travelled during 3 years in Australia (I'm from Belgium), where i had my psychotic break, which caused me to run out of money abroad.  Luckily I met my ex boyfriend who took me off the street back then.

My first psychosis became apparent to my doctor since I came to him, asking for a blood check.  I believed my co workers had put drugs in my coffee.  I was hallucinating and suffering from delusions at the time. Later on i had a car crash, believing i was James Bond and needed to save the world.

However, when i look back, my decline into psychosis was gradual.  I slowly but steadily lost my ability to work, study,...  and developed beliefs which were not based in reality... if only i had had a good support network (which was unavailable, while backpacking), maybe my symptoms would have been adressed earlier and unnecessary suffering could have been avoided.

Early intervention in psychosis is key to a succesfull recovery.  If you doubt that anyone in your surroundings is suffering from psychosis, please seek help from a professional (like a psychiatrist) as soon as possible. This  is partly why I write about this topic.  For too long, mental health has not been talked about, because of shame and stigma, this leads to people not getting the help they need for way too long.

Today with medication I can lead a normal life again allthough I had to re-adjust my goals.  I work, but don't live independently.  Recovery is a work in progress.  I still have to fight misconceptions about mental illness, even from close family (who are trying to be supportive in their own way, and i really am greatfull for their support) and friends.  It's hard for close relatives to see the devastating effects this illnes has on a family member, causing some of them to escape into denial.  This - however well intended - is detrimental for my recovery at the moment.  To be concrete, I should be encouraged to take my meds and start therapy, not be told I can do without etc.  Don't worry... I stick to my meds, allthough i could do with psychotherapy because in real life i have no one to talk to about my problems.

This is enough for a first post.

I would like to get feedback.  Questions and suggestions are allways welcome.

Thank you very much in advance